The Last Word

The Last Word(s)

What would you like your last words to be? 

Detectives are forever arriving at a murder scene and finding the victim’s head cradled in the lap of his wife, or significant other. The detective can see that the victim has been shot in the chest, and has bled all over the significant other. He asks the ever present uniformed officer, “What happened here?” The officer tells him that his wife found the victim on the floor, and that he was alive when she got to him. The detective, who is usually played by a gruff insensitive lout, looks down at the wife, who is sobbing uncontrollably, and says “Did he say anything before he died?”

The wife says that the victim said “table,” or “cousin.”  This of course leads the detective down several dead end alleyways before the brilliant, but junior partner, corrects the situation by reasoning out that the last words were actually “Table tennis” or Cosine.” Either of which eventually lead them to the murderer. 

Just once wouldn’t you like the dialog to go like this?

Detective: Did he say anything before he died”

Wife: “Yes”

Detective: Well, what did he say? Did he say who killed him?”

Wife: “He said,” and here she starts to sob, so that what she says in unintelligible.

Detective: “What? What did he say? I can’t hear you through your crying.

Wife: She pulls herself together long enough to shout, “He said, ‘ouch!’”

            Not very helpful, but it would be a lot of fun. I suppose it’s wrong of me but I would like to think that someone’s last words might bring a laugh to those around who are watching them die. What better way to go out of this realm of existence, than leaving those who are near you with a laugh.

I mean what would the history books be like if Lincoln’s last words would have been spoken after he was carried across the street, having just been shot by John Wilkes Booth. He revives just long enough to say “Did the hero get the girl?” The scene ends with the doctors, secret service agents, and Mary Todd Lincoln all asking. “Does anybody know how the damn play ends?”

Now “Rosebud” was a pretty enigmatic thing to say, and it does give us the reason for the rest of the movie. But what if Kane’s last words had been, “I win. I’ve got the most toys. I’ve even still got Rosebud.” Not as helpful, but a funnier ending.

Perhaps we should think about, what we’d like to be remembered as saying at the end of our days. We could think up a really great line, and then start each day saying it over and over, so that if we should find ourselves dying we’ll be ready with the best exit line ever. 

Things like, “I didn’t know the knife was loaded.” Or, “I guess you’re right honey. It was a left turn.” How about, “I see a light. Oh no never mind, it’s just the sun.”

If you’re going on a plane trip, say over and over, “I should have taken the train.” If it’s a boat trip then, “Shouldn’t there have been a lifeboat drill?”

If you’re scheduled for a stress test later in the day, keep thinking, “Doc, are you sure this thing is safe?”

Big steak dinner that night, then you could go with, “Mom always said, I should take smaller bites.”

I suppose, that if you were really clever you could buy a tomb stone for your grave and have the best last line chiseled in stone ready to bring a laugh to all at the funeral.  Things like:

“You’ll never find out where I buried the money.”

“Did you check the pockets of this suit?”

“Why is it so dark in here?”

“So that’s the meaning of the universe!”

“Who’s next?”